Expressions

That's how busy I am

2008-05-22T19:44:00.002+12:00

Having neglected "expressions" for almost a year and concentrate on other things that mattered...I've forgotten how it all began.

Well, to briefly document the 'lost period', let me remind myself what happened:

1 - Concentrated on studies. I found a deep interest in the field of public policy and public management. These subjects challange me and allow me to engage in studies as never before. I hope to build a career in this field one day (Doubt if there is a 'real' market for apolitical policy analysts in Putrajaya). Guess I'll be plying my trade in the government of my adoptive country then.

2 - Got married. Yes, between June - Dec 2007 in addition to school stuff, the mind was on going home and getting hitched. It was good to be home. It was even better to get everything thing done and over with. Despite all the hitch and hiccups and our idiot of a wedding planner (Poor decision there) I was glad it was all over by the time IR and I left for Kuching.

3 - Surrounded by family and living in KL. After 18 months away from home, it was good to catch up with family. I took it as an extended vacation and preparing myself for the journey that lay ahead. It was good to spend a whole evening with my (as I learned) football-mad newphews. It was good to catch up with old friends too like Jimmy, Faz and Ariq. But time being the most precious of all commodity was a luxury. Eventually my trip came to an end and I soon heading back to reality.

4 - Back to school. School.....how I regret it. Well, that's all I can afford to say now. Come Nov 08 it'll be all over, I've awoken from my nightmare for a brief minute or two and then pissed out of my skull. Really,really pissed out of my skull. Why you might ask? Well....Honours is a challange. No bullshit about it. I knew it and that's exactly why I've signed up for it. I was looking for a challange. I wanted to challange myself and earn a career in the public service. I was bored where I was last year. No, that's not for me. Life's too short for that nonsense. So, here I am almost mid-way through but barely sane and keeping up with school. Thank god the class is made of some really funny and brilliant mates...all on the same ship travelling the choppy waters of publ honours. Hmm...if I'm sober enough, perhaps come Dec you might catch me signing myself up for Masters. But that's another story.....

A long road ahead

2007-06-26T15:07:00.001+12:00

--The race is long...in the end it's only with yourself--

M. Schmich (1997) "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" Chicago Tribue

Sometimes I find myself pondering what lies ahead in my life. The vision is constantly vague and blur as I’m sure it is for all of us. But admit it, we all ponder about it every now and again right?

I recently participated in the annual Harbour Capital run in Wellington – the 10K category – something I wouldn’t imagine myself doing a year ago. I did it, completed it and safe to say I didn’t come in last! I did it in an hour and 10 minutes. Not bad for a couch-potato smoker eh?

It’s only the second distance running event in my life. The first was when I volunteered in a 5k run for my sister’s high-school when I was about 6 years old. I completed that one too. No, I’m not patting my own back instead I’ve realised how much this event (and the preparations I made for this) managed to teach me a few things about myself.

It all started back in April 2007 when I felt I needed a change of lifestyle. You see, back in KL, my life was very much a schedule. Not that I follow the schedule religiously but it was organised (somewhat). In that schedule, I managed to include futsal which became a place to deposit any frustrations from work or home while breaking a sweat. And it worked too…I lost weight!

NZ is not really a football mad country though they do have a lunchtime indoor football league but I do not have a team to play in. Besides, my dodgy knees are also something to consider before I play football again. But you see, I always manage to find some excuse or another. So finally, I decided that I need to do some exercise.

It first started with some light jogging in the early hours around the wharf until it got too cold. Then the local gym gave away a free 1 month trial coupon. I was too self conscious of my own body at first. But in the end, my initial experience at the gym got me hooked. So now I’m in a 3 year membership with the gym. I must say, it really feels good running on the treadmill, working on weights…just sweating my body out. I finally understood what it meant being flat footed and the effects it can have on my knees when I run or play sports with less than adequate shoes. If I had heeded my mum’s advice much sooner, I may not have dodgy knees at all.

Anyway, whenever I run I would keep my mind ‘occupied’ with random thoughts. It varies from all sorts of things. But during the 10k run itself, I occupied my mind with childhood memories, memories of friends I left back home and I realised that life have a lot of similarities with distance running (or almost any other sports). In sports, as it is in life, you need to develop the endurance for it. You also need to pace yourself well to go the distance. Most importantly, I learned that “in the end, the race is only with yourself” to quote Mary Schmich.

It may sound selfish at a glance but look at it in the context self-improvement rather than to compare yourself with the next guy. Believe me, this is not easy to do but the philosophy of is sound and fair.

Do we really need to rush out in life to grab the best? To be the best? What is it worth being best If I'm not happy and content with my life? What good is the contest if you are incomplete?

Don't get me wrong, I would like to indulge in the latest gadgets and gizmos, cars, clothes but I think, the best way to face life is to pace yourself. Looking ahead at the next Kilometer of the race while keeping in mind the finish line. For now, this is my way of being realistic. While I struggle to finish my 10k...three words kept going in my head that helped me cross the line: "Small steps Fairul".

Just as it was in the run as it would be in my life, those three words remain important to me.

The bitter sweet memories (Part 1)

2007-03-14T12:57:00.000+13:00

"What is love, oh baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more" - Haddaway

What is love and how do we value it? If love for another stems from our emotions and desire, how do know we are in love of just infatuated? A thin line indeed....

I've had many love interest my life...but when I was in school, I could not differentiate between the two so I tend to fool myself into believing that the girl I was dating was the girl of my dreams. Call it naive but that was just the way it was then for me. You see, I was very late to enter the dating game. When most of my high school mates were busy chasing for phone numbers, there I was busying myself with the latest English Premier League statistics, latest football boots in the market, latest football magazine. I was an ardent fan of football!

Sure, there were some occasions when I tried (and failed miserably) to chat up girls. But these attempts were far and few between. Why? It all boils down to my self-confidence and self-esteem. I was a chubby kid for most parts of my life (I still think I am despite my 5' 9" and 75kg frame), very much a couch potato, not very bright or stimulating. At school I knew that girls tend to fancy the jocks, the bad boys and the wise-cracking, smooth-talking kids. I was non-of-the-above. I was shy, quiet at most times but when I do shoot off my mouth, I shot the wrong things - needless to say that annoys people. I was no better from the next guy...maybe I was even below the average guy...a social stigma if you like.

When I was 17, my gang was busy chasing girls...naturally, I had to partake in the activity right? Well...I certainly didn't want to be left-out. I started learning a thing or two about getting a girl's attention...but for some reason or another, my actions tend to fail me. Hell...I was an 80's kid stuck in the 90's so my interpretations of 'cool' was outdated my a decade! *Shake head*

I started to dabble with the dating game only when I had started college (and I still could not establish the difference between love and infatuations). It was all trial and error for my part. As I recall...my first attempt was made in the cafeteria and I after giving a dull speech, I was diplomatically shot down. If you've watched "There's something about Mary"...this girl had the same effect on a number of guys. So I ended seeking solace in football again.

The next girl I had my sights on was someone I’d label as an outrageously wild child. Now this girl was a very deep infatuation if there was ever such a meaning. She was 5' 1" and a half, petite and very sweet and innocent looking but listens to punk rock, brilliant in mind and strong in character. I had never met anyone quite like her before. Naturally, I developed a crush but her heart was owned by another guy and the more I press, the more complicated our relationship got. We ended playing games with each other...dispatching a series of mixed signals and I guess, I took the game too seriously while she probably knew how the game would end before it began. I bowed out in fear of losing our friendship completely. She eventually left for another college and I took myself to football field again.

End of Part 1

Beats, Bass and Keys

2007-02-14T11:49:00.000+13:00

Last weekend IR and I went to the Boyz 2 Men concert at St. James theater. It was our second concert in less than six months. Not bad considering the last big concert I went (prior to these two) was the Bon Jovi concert in Stadium Shah Alam 11 years ago. That's right...eleven freakin' years ago. That says a lot about me. Indeed I'm not one who goes to gigs, rave parties or concerts. It's either they were too expensive or out of my way - Such as the Michael Jackson concert in KL/Simgapore, Black Eyed Peas, Alanis Morisette and U2. I guess it was missing out on U2 that made me realise what we're missing. I am a selective person by nature...so for me to drag my ass out to a concert, I would target great stage performers or exceptional talents. Now, who would've said no to Elton John and Boyz 2 Men. These guys are legend in their respective genres.

The Elton John concert was great for 2 main reasons: 1) He's songs are classic hits and 2) He's great at strutting those keys. My sister's reaction when I told them I was going was "Isn't that catered towards Dad's age group"? Hahaha...true to certain extent. But then again, Kiwi's have this natural love for live gigs. Besides, great performers often reach out towards all age groups. I was lucky to be seated near families and other young couples. Well..there were the odd drunk and joint smokers who tried in vain to rally the crowd. All in all, it was a good concert. Too bad I didn't do enough homework to partake in the customary sing-a-longs =p

The Boyz 2 Men/ K-Ci & Jojo act was even better. Not that I was a big fan but because this time the concert was held at the theater. Indoor, away from the cold, cozy and the music booms straight into my soul. Ahh...it was so good that IR cried when K-Ci & Jojo performed 'All my life'. Women =p

When Boyz 2 Men went up on stage it brought back so many school-age memories. All those love songs that kept me company through puppy-love breakups. Ok, let's no go there. They were just awesome. Since cameras were allowed (unlike the Elton John one despite being miles away) I was snapping away every so often. Thanks to the Gig on my camera phone I even managed to record a few short videos. The pictures aren't that great (typical of a camera phone) but it was alright. I was also jumping out of my seat too...like I said, great performers are well worth it. It's just amazing how 3 guys can produce such harmony. Now that's talent in my books.

I was in disbelief when a friend of mine inform me about the concert. Firstly, most big acts to hit NZ are normally held in Auckland or Christchurch only. Wellington is not a typical stop for them. Secondly, there was hardly any promotion for the boys. Not that I was aware off anyway. Sure, theres flyers postes and a highlight on the Breakfast show. But besides that, there wasn't any hype on their arrival. Until K-Ci & Jojo went on stage I was half-expecting a look-a-alike act. The ticket wasn't that expensive too. At $80 per person IR and I got a real bargain. Perhaps kiwis aren't really a big fan of RnB/Soul. It wasn't that hard for us to get tickets too unlike U2 ticket sales which disappeared within 2 hours of ticket sales nationwide! I regret missing out on U2. I know most of they're songs by heart and I really admire them for their ability to change and evolve pver the years. It was unfortunate that I couldn't afford the tickets and the cost of the trip to Auckland. We decided we're not going to miss the next U2 concert that is within our reach.

My sister text me during the Boy 2 Men conert telling me how lucky we were to be there. I replied back after the show telling her it was awesome but it did not top the Bon Jovi concert I went with her. It didn't care to me that Bon Jovi was playing in the middle of the week nor the fact that I had exams the next day. I had to be there during their Crossroads tour! I sang at the top my lungs which resulted in losing my voice for the rest of the week and kicked my heels all night. That night will always remain in heart. My sister was surprised I still remembered that night. How could I forget?

Aidilfitri

2006-10-25T11:48:00.000+13:00

I've been keeping myself very busy over the last Ramadan month or so. I recently discovered that I do enjoy cooking although my patience for it need to be refined. It all started on the first day of Ramadan when we went to one of the many 'Malaysian' restaurants down town to buy Murtabak for break fast. I was drooling at the aromatic scent while eagerly waiting for the time to break my fast. When the time came and I took out a big chomp, I was crest fallen to find that the murtabak was very salty for my taste buds. I mean it was really salty ok. I was so dissappointed considering we paid $38 for 2 small murtabaks. Instantly I thought to myself "Right, I've got to master the art of making murtabak myself. Buying it is just not worth my good money". The next day, I started suring for a decent easy-to-follow murtabak recipe. I was complaining to my sister about my murtabak venture the night before on IM when she started to type in a roti recipe (we need to prepare the roti first). She was on the phone with my mum who was providing the wise instructions.

From there, things really started to snow ball into trying to perfect my murtbak and cheesecake baking skills, trying out new dishes and of course, preparing key dishes for Hari Raya. I'm quite happy with myself now that I've learned how to make Daging Kicap, Butter Chicken, Nasi Minyak, Beef Rendang, Nasi Goreng, Tart Nenas, Pandan Syrup, Bergedil and Baked Pacific Dory. Of course, the dishes aren't quite authentic (expecially my John Dory since it's nothing like the ones you get at Manhattan Fish Market) but it's good enough for self consumption. I still enjoy eating out though. In fact, eating out is becoming more of a 'tasting session' for me. I'd love to acquire more recipes.

Come Raya day (yesterday) I spent over 2 hours over the phone with my family and they seem proud that I've managed to pick up a habit in the kitchen. Poor Irma, her mum told her that she heard rumours that I've been busy over the stopve top instead of her. At least my would be mum-in-law would be at peace knowing that her daughter will be well looked after. Still, nothing beats Irma's onde-onde. You just got to try it I tell you...it's to die for.

Still nothing beats the cooking at home. Honestly, it's not so much the cooking but rather getting started that really hold me back. I'm still pretty poor at some of the basic stuff like cutting, chopping and dicing. Not very handy with the knife at all. At least not as handy as some people. And I hate chopping onions. How do we avoid getting teary eyed? I remember watching a cooking show some 10 odd years ago that one way to avoid it is to put the onions in the freezer for awhile before doing the deed. Of course, I'm a very cincai cook in most respects.

Raya for me is just like any other day - Afterall, I'm living in a country taht don't practice the celebrations. But this time around, I had a good time catching up with my family all 19 members of them (2 parents, 4 siblings, 2 brother-in-laws, 10 newphews and nieces, 1 nanny) and my uncle who happened to be at my parents'.

But I must say that my piece-de-resistance has to be my compilation of Hari Raya songs I made 2 weeks before raya. That really gives the raya mood a big boost. It was unfortunate that yesterday's weather was so horrible.

All in all, this year's ramadan and raya was rather fun for me personally. Funny how we learn to sharpen some of our hidden abilities when we're most desperate for something. Ironically, the one thing I crave for every now and then which I just seem to miserably fail at is a rather simple dish to make - Pete's Maggi Mee Goreng. I mean, how hard is it to make Maggi Mee Goreng? Every stalls in KL have them but I just can't seem to master the art. Well..maybe that should be my next culinary adventure.

Leaving home and the hassles of it all

2006-09-06T09:42:00.000+12:00

mi·grate [ mi gràyt ]

Definition (Source: Encarta MSN):
1. move from place to place; Social Sciences intransitive verb to move from one region or country to another, often to seek work or other economic opportunities.

Yesterday I was asked how I broke it to my parents the idea of migrating over to NZ. Short answer: I pitched the idea in them as lucrative (for them) as possble. Sold them the idea that in the long run, it would be good for me, for them and possibly even for my siblings and their families.

In truth, I was really wasn't thinking at all. I just went with a gut feeling. And I hated the environment surrounding me at the time and was chronically unhappy with life. I'll be the first to admit that one can read me like a text book most times. That is how simple I try to keep things. My life at that time was bitter-sweet. On one hand I was exploring new things with little or no success and on the other hand, I was exploring new things. Though I somewhat enjoy a steady income, I made bad decisions which left me close to nothing at the end of the month. I was told that is normal for rookies but I felt that something was just not right with the way things were. So when the opportunity presents itself, I decided to leave home for good.

It wasn't a bad decision to leave home but I must admit that it was a poorly planned one. I knew it wasn't as easy as some may put it but I didn't think too much and perhaps over simplified my plan. Even when my decision was questioned, I justified it to others but secretly I wasn't convincing myself.

Poorly planned..why? Because I left with very little cash-in-hand, with some personal belongings, with practically no appointments waiting for me, nothing. Indeed I left home to nothing but a hope...and a very supportive partner.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her in the first place. I wouldn't have left the 'comforts' of home even if it sucks so bad every other day. I'd probably be jumping into a defferent industry to try and make things better and pray that my environment improved. Instead, I saw the opportunity as an adventure for the both of us and a possibility for us to achieve things we wouldn't normally be able to in KL. I don't think she'd be happy if she started her accounting career in KL. She might get on with it despite the environment but she would definitely be much better off here in NZ.

So needless to say, I struggled a lot upon coming back to NZ. We had to learn to live with each other, adjust to each other's ways and sometimes it could get rather strenous. But slowly we pulled through together. Then I had to adjust myself with my new environment. Things certainly changed a lot in two years. My friends that lived here changed a lot in two years. Most of them left for other things.

Immigration was another pickle to sort out. First I needed to get my work permit sorted out. Imagine, I moved here with a possibility of not succededing and moving back to KL within 3 months. The first application we made, we ended up wasting 4 hours in waiting only to be rejected. We had to overcome that and luckily for me (or us rather), my work permit was approved on my second application and I was on my way to look for a job. With the help of an old friend, I was offered to work with him on his new venture. It was not much to start off with but it helped put food on my plate and clothes on my back. Now I am able to help with the bills too with some change in my pocket.

The next step was to apply for permanent residency. I remember we had to endure stormy weather for that one. Patience, time and determination for both of us was required. We had to constantly be confident for one another. I think my friends who migrated overseas (Canada and US mostly) with the help of their respective local partners is very fortunate not to go through the uncertain times we had to endure. That being said, I'm sure they had to face their own version of uncertainties too.

We didn't hear from NZIS for months until one day, we were finally assigned a case officer. Things were slowly working our way. So much time and effort were made to get the neccessary documentations, paperwork, authentications done up and again, it was strenous times. But this time around, we were highly motivated.

The day we got our PR wasn't really how I imagined it to be. Champagne flowing, getting drunk like a skunk in joy, happy to seek greater opportunities. Instead, I was more relieved than happy that it was all over and done with. Maybe I was more in shock and disbelief that I pulled it off. What a tale...left with almost nothing but hope. Really, tribute must be paid to my partner for her support for without her, I'd be nothing. I think I still am nothing without her. Debts must be repaid to my parents and my family. If they hadn't cleared and provided me the way I wouldn't have succeeded.

Comparing today to this date last year, I think my partner and I are much happier, we've achieving a lot over the last 12 months and our careers are progressing smoothly. It's not perfect but most thing in life never are to begin with. Soon I'm hoping to develop myself further and enhace my range of skills. Hopefully, when I've achieved that I can kick start a desired career of my own. And perhaps start sending some money to my parents -Such an asian thing isn't it?-

My advise, when a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this presents itself, plan yourself ahead. Plan carefully and take all matters into consideration. But don't brood over it. You have to be positive, emotionally and mentally prepared - You will need all the patience in the world. Brooding will only encourage negative energy. Make sure some money is available, afterall money is a factor in this world. Tie up as many loose ends as possible before you leave. And finally, it pays to have a little faith in yourself and hope for the best. It's even better when you have an understanding, supporting, caring and loving partner by your side. At least you won't be so lonely. The other emotional stuff like missing home can be dealt with thanks to Voice over IP (VoIP), Instant messaging and call cards.

Smoking is not permitted in the lavatories

2006-07-14T09:25:00.000+12:00

There was a time I had enjoyed flying. There was a time I shared the dream of million other kids...to fly high above the sky, to gracefully take off and land a plane. There was a time I dreamt at night becoming a pilot and travel.

Today, after 27 years , I've only materialised one half of my childhood dreams; the more common half at that too. Travelling seems to be one of the most common interest to all. Not all of us have had the opportunity to do so though. Forget being a pilot, I ditched that dream the instant I learned that my math must be grade A to be accepted in a commercial flying school. Either that or the cash to put myself through flyight school. I had neither when I was 17.

I should consider myself privileged to have travelled to many wonderful and interesting places from such a young age. Perhaps it was one of those perks being youngest in the family and being at the right age at a time when my parents travelled a lot for business and vacations. Lucky if you will.

I've seen the Alps, I've witnessed the changing of the guards, I've paid my respect to the great John F. Kennedy, I've touched the names of those who didn't return from Vietnam, I've kissed Al-hajar Al-aswad or The black stone of Kaaba twice in five years. I've walked on the steps of Borrobodur, Played on on the deck of HMS Belfast, hitch a ride on the Pirate of the Caribbean and enjoyed the Maid of the Mist at Niagara. The list goes on and on...shall I continue? How about a shopping spree at Bally factory in Arau, Switzerland or witnessing my first snow fall in Tokyo oh so long ago?

Of all my travels, nothing was more peaceful and serene than Bali though. Something about the place I just thoroughly enjoyed myself. From watching the "Barung Dance" to taking a deep in its waters. I'd like to go there again someday. When I was a kid, my excitement was on the plane ride itself. Those days whenever a passenger had an urge for a cigarette, all they had to do was go aft to the smoking section and enjoy a puff or two. Ironic that I wasn't smoking then. The last time I saw someone smoking on a plane was when my then brother-in-law when 'round the back of a 747 for puff. I was 11 years old.

These are the places I hope to travel someday: Paris - because it's paris, UK - for all its castles, Bora-Bora - to see if it beats Bali and perhaps, even home again one day. Not KL but rather places like Kluang, Chaah,Gemas, Mersing, Kampar, Bidoh, Kuala Kangsar, Tawau, Sandakan and much much more. One would not associate tourism with these places so much but there is the abundance of hidden beauty to it. The people, the social norms and so forth. The last time I was travelling in deep in Johor, I was travelling alone for work and my only regret is that I did it by myself and without anyone to share the experience with. It was so strange to see Malaysia and Malaysians for what it really is. I was emotionally touched by it.

I don't quite enjoy flying anymore. Maybe it's because of the way we have to struggle with aches and cramps in economy class. The narrow seats (though are improving) and clautrophobic space is really a wonder. Not even the amount gizmos now available on most airlines would keep my mind off from aches. Don't even get me started on the fella sitting in front of me. But there are alternatives I suppose...cars, boats, trains and busses.

Alright, I've decided that before I'm 35...these are the destinations I must travel to:

Muar/Kluang/Kota Tinggi, Malaysia
Kuala Kangsar, Malaysia
Bali, Indonesia
Sydney, Australia
Gold Coast, Australia
Bora-Bora, French Polynesia

And this time, I'd like to travel with someone

What are friends for?

2006-03-09T12:03:00.000+13:00

"Friendship is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of putting the other's interests before one's own. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them." (online source: Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship)

It's funny how when I reflect on my past, I tend to see the faces of oh so many colourful characters that has crossed my path. I suppose it is only natural when you reflect in your memories, it tends to project a certain 'caption' (if you may) or moment in time. Whenever I sit down and think ponder on my friends, the bond we had, the things we did, the enduring hardships we faced together and the best of times we shared...it never fails to touch me. A cascade of various emotion would run through me. Sometimes, it makes me very sad that it was in the past that we had a blast but I know that most of us are either fine, happy or just moving along with our lives the best way we can. I truly do admire and cherish the kind of friendship that after so many years apart (and at times this means 3 years gap with no contact or just the occasional emails), we are just as confortable of each other as it was just yesterday we sat down and had coffee or teh-tarik together laughing at ourselves silly. Very few of them I have indeed. It these guys that made me realised the kind of person I was and the kind of person I would like to become. I owe them so much.

When I was in college, I learned the true value of friendship and it was also then that I had decided I would have given up almost anything for the select few. It's these friends that I feel one must cultivate the very strongest sense of loyalty. Not so much because you owe it to them but rather...you owe it to yourself to do so.

As we grow apart with our own lives, most of the time new names associated to my friends are to me just names really, but I think it's important to try and orientate ourselves with the updates of their lives no matter how far apart we are (physically and emotionally). I'm never really sure of what Bono's lyrics to One by U2 means but my interpretation of it is really a reflection of one part of the friendship I had to my select few. For the likes of Shez, Midnitelily and Adra (to name a few), some of the lines in that song really reflect the history, the sacrifices, the stupid things I've done against them and the type of friendship we shared at (least on my part aand interpretation of it). Yes, there were times I was just being plain stupid and childish to some. But yet, at the drop of a hat, I'd like to be there for them if I could. For me, the relationship I had with them can, at times be more than what I had with my siblings. Partly is due to age gap I have with them.

The roles each of everyone play to me is as varied as each individual. And the really funny thing is, 9 out of 10 I wouldn't have expected to have develop this strongest bond with any of them. For shez, he is the only one I can refer to as a class mate from primary school to secondary and right up until college. And most of the time we were just acquitance or distant friend. The bond grew over the years I suppose. Plus, he's my only friend in the neighbourhood since not many kids lived in my street and his was the nearest to mine. Indeed since childhood, I always envied those who had friends living in close proximity (such as TTDI,Kg Tunku or Damansara) I would also credit him for saving lives of mine and 4 others once. Fatigue on the highway almost did us in once. I was young and stupid.

Midnitelily reminds me of me a whole lot. Not so on the talent department but more so on the personality traits and psychological sentiment. Indeed, whatever bitter pills and joys of life we've both experienced individually in life is most appropriate to learn from collectively. The relationship had always been a touch-n-go basis but yet it has always worked that makes me I wonder if we could've somehow been connected similar to the "Matrix-like womb" or had already been acquinted in the past life. Again, that's a representation of the trust, love and independence we have of each other.

Much can also be said about Adra too. She was to me a very mentor-sister like. At a time when I was really growing up and had felt lost and needed to seek elsewhere for inspirations, there she was always always ready to open my eyes to the things that would normally be obvious to me. The best thing I get to share with Adra is able to learn through her, how to grow up and blossom into someone respectful to society.

Yet, these are just some clear examples of the very best.

There have been many more over the years and even those that was just for one moment in time. I remember once upon a time when a mate cracked when his ex did something to him...he wailed right in front of me. What was I to do? It sure was a first for me but yet, it was a sense of duty to friendship.

For me that's what being a friend is. Ready to care and support in the best way you can in an instant with less thought of my own welfare. Previously, when I didn't know how to balance family and friends, I used to get into scrapes with my father. My friendship rated higher too at one point. If I had to be there for a friend, I just had to be there...no questioning it. If a friend called me and wanted to talk all night, I'll do my best to open my eyes. It's my devotion to them and yet, I don't think I'll ever do enough to have repaid them all they have been to me. Thinking about it, perhaps only the best of my friends have ever saw the best of me and some of the worse and actually understood it (besides my family who may can write volumes of the whole lot of me). These is my small contributions to the friendship...because to me, thats's what friends are for.

The Yard

2006-03-08T22:44:00.000+13:00

I remembered that many years ago, there was a time when we used to enjoy the evening just lazing about with a white plastic picnic basket, some candles and a tikar at the front yard of Sec-12. That was a time before any of us grew up. My eldest sis was about to leave for the UK and my parents just enjoyed the evening nights. One of my sister would bring with her a book (ie. The Amazing Stories) and tell us a visual sypnosis of it which tends to frighten me! It was an adventure (although, I never knew how we put up with the mozzies!). That yard meant so much to me and it has witnessed most of my life. Shortly after we moved into Sec-12, the yard was almost completely unearthed. Heh, it was the only time I could play war-games with an actual crater to fight in. We actually had 2 bamboo trees growing from 2 corners of the perimeter wall anda tall tree growing from the middle of it. It always made me feel good to cycle laps around that big tree.

I had so much joy when we used to play with fireworks on the front yard. My creativity would just lit up.

The yard was also the scene where I spent hours refining my so called first touch and free kicks with a soccerball and dream of hitting the all important winning goals with simple tap-in ala Roberto Baggio. It was during this phase that I had a hand in destroying the pitch on the yard (and possibly a whole lot more).

Since then, the yard has transformed a number of times. Sec-12 even added a new wing which was built on what used to be my home-made badminton court.

We don't spend as much time in the yard anymore. We've all grown up and moved on - but the last time I was home and on a good day, I enjoyed strolling in the yard whilst puffing on a cigarette and recalling the good days. It just takes you back you know. Of course, whilst time travelling in my mind I'd would be awoken by the curious younger one's asking what I'm doing outside. They have limited access to the yard you see and would like the opportunity to join me when I'm spotted.

So now, it's the next generation that hang out at the yard and the older the get, the less limitations for them to play at the yard. But in comparison, the yard has gotten much smaller than it used to be. For a time, it wasn't a yard for me, it was a whole field! With computers, cyberspace, satellite TV, PS2, etc. etc. it's no wonder that they don't prefer the yard anymore. Even I find the cyberspace fun and educational. Besides, what can the yard offer that can be physically challenging and fun for them? Afterall, the yard is just a yard just like anywhere else.

Reflections

2006-02-28T11:54:00.000+13:00

I just couldn't sleep the other night. I found myself reflecting on a series of events that had occured to me over the last couple of years or so. I hate that. I really hate that moment where you lay yourself down to sleep but intead found yourself thinking. Though the eyes are sleepy and you are physically exhausted...you just can't sleep.

Anyways, I found myself looking back at a time I was much happier. Perhaps even innocent.

I had enjoyed my first job very much. I was contracted for a fixed term to work on a quantitative research endorsed by one of the biggest Agrochemical companies in the klang valley. The pay was pretty good for a 'fresh grad'. Even though the task requires a large amount of travelling, transportation and allowances was provided for. For me, it was the beginning of a fantastic adventure across Peninsula M'sia and I wrapped up the research travelling to East M'sia. Who can ask for more. I don't even have to see my bosses very much because I was seconded to an organisation who is working in conjuntion with the research and the office was smack in the middle of KL. Boy those days were good.

But all good things must come to and end. So eventually, I had to bid farewell to my nice colleagues when my term ended. It was nice to be referred to as "En. Fairul", to be appreciated as a real officer and have someone making coffee and deliver it to you every morning. Plus th e coffee was just the way I like it. The environment was really nice. To a large extent I was humbled by my experience both in office as well as when I had to go to the field for research.

I missed that.

Soon after I jumped to the nearest available job opportunity. I entered the service industry which started off well for me but all throughout my time there, I had a colourful mix of experience. And it tends to split at the biggest of extremes.

I was very fortunate to have had a very nice and very good immediate boss. She was kind, wise and to large extent patient with me. Mind you, I had to learn the entire tricks of the trade from scratch...and really, this industry is one borne through your personal experience and wit. My relationship with my 'sup' was very much brother-sisterly so I tend to be very loyal and somewhat protective of her. Looking back, I supposed she had saved my ass a hundred times from my occasional boo-boo's but it was never more evident than the events that had transpired after she left the orgnanisation. That's when I had things exploding in my face. I should've seen it coming.

Eventually, one part of the reason for both us leaving the org was because of our group leader. Overated, doesn't inspire and poor communicator is nicest way to describe him. What a complete contrast to my sup.

Why do we remind ourselves of 'what if'? I was once offered the opportunity to rejoin the organisation I was seconded to in my first job. I turn it down without consulting those who were in the position to advise me. So, life is basically about choices and half-chances. I've made some good ones and some really terrible ones. But in the end, I made the decision when it needed to be made. Was it good? was it bad? I guess only time will tell huh...

4 years and never been to the tin cake

2006-02-21T10:38:00.000+13:00

I've lived in Wellington close to 5 years now, and yet I've never been to the ol tin cake - The West Pac Stadium - for anything. I guess, the sport itself is so different to my one true sporting love of football or soccer as some would call it here. It's not easy to follow the EPL because of the time difference and access to it. First, one must have satellite or cable network service and then, most common games that runs around 8pm in Malaysia...Well, we have to add 5 hours to it. So games have the honor to a very late broadcast time of 1am if I'm lucky.

So this weekend, I turn to rugby instead. And it would be my first to the Tin Cake for a live game. Admittedly , I am excited and looking forward to it.

Wellington is really a small town. But guess what, it is also being invaded (to loosely put it and in light of humor). Through my experience, when I first came here to study, you can count in one hand the number of foreign students here. Then slowly, NZ universities hopped on the Chinese market band wagon. Now it seems, Malaysians are taking Australia and NZ by storm. Who ever thought that education is not a business...Well, go stuff yourself.

How lucky these Malaysian students are. They have a strong foundation of friends. They are a company in force. During my time (which was only 4 years ago), there were only 18 of us at most given time. Today, times that by ten at least. "The more the merrier" some might say.

But my theory is the total opposite. The more in number, the less in quality. No, I'm not being biased. I happily flunked my first year and a half while I underwent a rampage of alcoholism, binge drinking, what ever term you want to call it, paid my tributes to whichever higher being that conjure up in my head when I'm high. I partied too but I also learned to appreciate education...at least the bit that interests me the most.

Back to the new Malaysian students...I fear that for many of them, it's their debut sojourn from home. Typically, many won't mix with the local culture and those who do, do it for 'coolness' and for all the wrong reasons. I suppose, you live and learn.

On the eve of my graduation, I've come to realize that this age of being a student, away from family rules, regulation and obligation really make you or break you as a person. It's a survival of the fittest really. You learn more about yourself than anything else at the end of the day. We all now know that for most of us, what ever academia we earned during tertiary studies is really not practical studies. The practical bit comes in during our fledgling career debut.

And so yesterday, friends of mine happen to bump into a couple of large/loud groups of Malay parents attired in the full on songkok and seemingly lost in this small town of Wellington. It's bad enough roving in a large group but being loud is totally unneccesary wouldn't it? Then again, it's typical that within aa large social group, there tend to be a leader or someone who offers assuarance to the rest and they are loud and careless. Why? because within a group we feel safe and we are comfortable. It onnly costs a small subscription fee of comforming to the group's exceptable social norms.

Ahh those pesky Malaysians....Ahh...to think I was once like them.

Then again, I was never really one to conform to anything. For that, my punishment was to be seen as 'different'. Finally I conformed to certain things in my socially accepted group of friends by respecting them. I learned that it's not necessarily "It's our way or the highway" but this largely depends on the people in that group. Solution is simply to accomodate others. Then again, leadership is occasionally a crime that I cherish but no, I'm not the leader type. I'm more of the "Let's-see-what-happens-if-we-push-this-button" type. Try my luck and push it as far as it goes. Which at times is unhealthy.

What music bring to my ears

2006-02-20T14:24:00.000+13:00

Sometimes I just love lazing about and just listen to some selections from my ipod. Some songs would just bring back so much memories. The strange thing is, sometimes the songs just brought me back to a particular memory and it can almost feel so real...I can listen to Third Eye Blind and recall the times I used to cruise around in the ol' beemer. Or put on U2's "Stay.." and I will distinctively recall a time I rushed from one end of KL to the other (as in, Ampang to TTDI) at 3am just to send my friend home after a pool party (thinking about, did she ever thanked me?hmm) and making the return trip just to dive some more. I don't do those things anymore...

It makes me wonder, who am I? and what have I become? Do we all grow out of it? Had it my way, I wouldn't really want to. But circumstances always seem to dictate our lives.

How about listening to Springsteens' "Born in the USA" and it takes me back to 1986. A time where my eldest sis, myself and bro would cycle laps around the neigbourhood and keep getting chased by the neighbour's dog. A time when I knew nothing about home-works or Karl Marx's works, a time I couldn't care less for girls/babes what have you, a time I didn't have to worry about life.

How strong music is...

It saddens me at times when reflecting upon the past. It's even strange when my parent's house is the same one we moved into some 24 odd-years ago or so. I remembered a time when I could barely jump to touch the light switches and now I'm hovering over the damn thing. It's stranger still (and funny) to see that most of the inhabitants there are the same bar, a few additions. Now it's the younger generation who fills the screams and yells in the house. Which is kinda ironic if you think about it. It was just 15 years ago that my 3 sisters and bro (although bro was never really in the house - being a wayward that he's always been) would yell for each other when the phone rings no matter where in the world we were.

I had a good time appreciating Metallica over the weekend. Again, that brought me some very nice memories. Oh, all that head banging and air guitar-ing/drumming I used to do as JK drives my dad's beemer. But's that's just one part of my music-supported memoirs (or musical memoirs, if you like).

I wonder if this applies to everyone? I mean, music bridging a significant memory with your present self.

Divorce

2006-01-17T09:46:00.000+13:00

Divorce [di váwrss]

1) official ending of a marriage
2) seperation

According to the encarta, the defination of divorce is an end of a journey...if you like. This morning I was informed that a couple I admire and respect are actually seperated. Albeit on a short-term basis. It wasn't my first to hear such news. Divorce, in my view, has now become a norm in many societies if not all the world over. But I can't help myself to feel defeated and sad on my friends behalf. Mind you, they probably know what they're doing and seperation may just serve as a temporary "time-out".

The first time I actually understood the implications of divorce is when one of my siblings underwent the procedure. That was in KL a decade ago or so. One may assume that it should not have affected a fourth party but somehow it did. I suppose, it's because my family is relatively close knit. In my observation, I felt that many of us weren't prepared for it and perhaps my parents didn't know what to do. Fair enough.

It was annoying that everyone was affected physically, mentally and financially. Especially my parents. In a selfish point-of-view, I too (along with the rest of my siblings) lost out due to the financial resource focused to my sister and her son. Not enough with that, sister also had the tendency to swith cars through her divorce and breakups with boyfriends. No, I don't know how that worked out. I suppose my father wanted to keep people happy.

Sister then re-marry her ex-husband to try and rekindle for the children's sake. Call it naive but again, credit for trying and failing. It only lasted 6 months and resulted in another baby. Sheesh, things costs this days....diapers, formula, clothes, etc,etc,etc.

I can go on and on about this sister of mine. But hey, she's had a lot to put up with. Physical abuse from 2 husbands and a total of 3 divorce. Yes, I witnessed it all. Or rather, we as a family.
She does not have my respect not because of what she's been through but because for a long while, she blamed the entire world but herself, expected sympathy and more over, she lead a pretty comfortable all-expense paid plus allowances lifestyle. I just can't respect free-loaders.

Another buddy of mine, got married at the tender age of 18. Had a baby soon after but divorced after 5 years. Wife left him for another women. He lost everything. Job, wife, child and maybe some friends too along the way. How do you put up with it?

It's not as if he didn't try. I think he poured his entire heart and soul into making things work for his family. One thing I know for certain is that he gave up a very bright future when he made his vow.

Sometimes I ponder on the value of tying the knot. The vow made on the occasion...was it left on that very occasion?

Everytime I'm asked to get married, I tend to make some lousy excuse. In many ways, I am simply terrified of the prospect. I don't want to be included in the statistics of divorcé. To me, it's epitome of failure. And there will be others who suffer...some more apparent then others.
It is sad to see your mates and your family go through it. Sometimes you can provide console, other times you're helpless and occasionally, for me, I just couldn't be bothered.

Where did it all go wrong?

I think it's not the anwer that matters so much but rather knowing where to go next and plan on getting there.

Time for me to enjoy the summer sun and the rest of the day.

Late to catch on?

2006-01-16T15:17:00.000+13:00

Thinking to myself, am I blogging because of the growth in interest and my own curiosity towards blogging or just trying to hop on the bandwagon?

So, for my inaugural blog posting, the answer to the above question is a little of everything but ultimately, it is true that blogging (in my humble opinion) encourages us to just let it all out. Another avenue to express one's thoughts. Yes many people would have already known that.

Today is a good day. Catching up with a former colleague of mine is always great. Especially one I regard as a very good friend on the basis of our shared interest in football. I reckon if i had not moved away from home, we'd probably be sitting somewhere over a nice cold drink and talk football for hours. Too bad, we all (as individuals) have our own destiny and chart out our own path in life.

Oh well.

What a nice sun-shiny day it is today, so I'm just stepping out and enjoy it for awhile. Let me see what tomorrow holds.